Why.

The true reason why we have not had children, even though we are fast approaching 31 and 35: my husband has cleidocranial dysplasia. This is a dominant bone disorder that can cause severe difficulties in any person that has it. My husband himself has gone through nearly a dozen surgeries and the accompanying pain, near death experiences and physical therapy. He has a "mild" case.

While I did not live through any of his pain (he had all of his surgeries, with an exception of two that are yet to come before we met) neither of us wants to see our children go through what he has gone through.

We both want children. We both know that's the last missing piece of our happy little lives, and I feel the pain particularly.

Thank goodness, there are options. There are also drawbacks to each option. Having examined them all, I feel such resentment sometimes toward those who can just have sex for a while and *boop* there's a pregnant woman!

Right now, finally, we have agreed that we can explore these options together. We have the money, to support and care for a child without struggling, which is what we wanted most.

Now. Shall we have donors? Shall we do Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD)? Should we adopt and risk a mother wanting to take the baby back?
We just don't know yet.

I think I have to be barking mad

to be an interesting blogger. Like, read dooce.com, or thebloggess. They're awesome. They're funny. They're fucking crazy. Especially the bloggess, but I just want to be her more. And I will always be me, the white bread vanilla chick who likes to go to dragoncon. Did I mention we're going to Dragoncon? Did I mention that i want to bring a baby dressed as Spock someday? Especially since Leonard Nimoy is going to be there? Oh, wouldn't it be fab. He totally would not be impressed, but that wouldn't make it any less fun, now, would it?

Saving Money

Make your own laundry detergent! This is the super cheapest thing on earth, and I'm actually pretty excited about it. My only fear is that my husband is going to look at me like I'm crazy.

Here's the blog post where it shows the guy saving over $50 on laundry detergent from The Simple Dollar.com:
http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/09/making-your-own-laundry-detergent-a-detailed-visual-guide/

Think I'll go eat worms

Remember that song? "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I think I'll go eat worms!" I was feeling this way to the point that I was digging in the backyard this morning, when suddenly the sky opened up, the angels sang, and I finally learned the rest of the Hallelujah chorus. I got a job! I got a job teaching! I got a job teaching college students! Isn't it funny how you think it's the end of the world when you get fired/laid off from a job, and something better usually comes along? I'm seriously ready to get out my magic want and turn into a giant bouncy ball, and act out that bouncy ball commercial myself!



Maybe now we'll be able to have babies! This certainly takes up less time than my old job did (albeit grading papers will take a lot MORE time, but I can do that at home!)

Reject

Dear Mab,

Thank you so much for investigating employment opportunities with S____________. I was most fortunate to have the pleasure of speaking with several highly qualified applicants, including you, which made the selection process very difficult.

We have identified a candidate that matches our qualifications and requirements perfectly and have decided to select that applicant.

Please accept my most sincere thanks and appreciation for your interest in and application for a teaching position. May I wish you every success in your search for employment.

Sincerely,

S

Yes, it's boring. Yes, I'm lucky I got any answer at all. No matter than I held my breath for two weeks over this, that it was the perfect position for me, that I waited, eschewing anything that could put me out of sorts with God for the whole day I was SURE they'd call, refusing to eat meat or any small children in hopes that it would be please Him enough to let me have this job. All in vain.

Dear. wild world. I want to know how I could know so many people, and not know one that would be willing to help me find a job, so we have the money to afford babies? (or to afford getting my husband to agree to let me have a baby?)

And, to add insult to very serious injury, sitting around the house all day with nothing to do is making me get fat. I love Weight Watchers, but all I want to do is watch the TV and the food. It calls to me. It sings to me. It even dances for me a little. I live for coffee, soda, and pizza. And a job. Hellooooo, job world? Any one want a teacher?

Pounds!

Have you ever been encouraged to just "go off the pill" without telling your husband? Yes! I will simultaneously lose my husband and get a child! It's a great plan! Oh, wait.

Let's just say I'm tempted. Sure, I'm tempted, but I really see this as the kind of stupid decision that creates more problems than it solves. Would it convince my husband that we want a baby? Most likely. Would it also prove that I'm a terrible and impatient person who shouldn't be a mother, no matter how badly she wants it? Again, most likely. Who am I to make this decision without my husband agreeing? Really, it's my body, but it's OUR life, and if he bought a car without my consent, I'd shoot him. I'd hate to think of how he'd respond if I did that.

Now, having said this, I'm going to be jinxed and get pregnant accidentally. I just know it. Nope, wishful thinking.

On the bright side, I've lost almost two pounds on Weight Watchers! Yay!

Lonely little boat

It's been months. I have staved off my yearning with everything - food, diet, a kitten ( a lovely adorable tiny ball of a kitten who likes to pounce on my feet, and my head, and even wake me up at 4 am for food!), cleaning, cooking, any thing I can manage. It's not working. I want a baby more than ever.

If one more person says, "if you wait til the moment is right to have a baby, you never will" I swear, you're going to be smacked. In the head. By my tiny hands, which will hurt if I have to put a giant rhinestone ring on. I swear it!

We have to wait. We are worried about our mortgage, we are worried about my lack of job. I'm worried about being one of those people dragging their kid through the unemployment line while he/she screams bloody murder, and probably does manage to kill a few old men waiting in line for four hours, by blowing up heads or coronaries, take your pick.

I dreamed last night that I was seven months pregnant. I almost cried when I woke up to find it wasn't real.

To add insult to serious injury, everyone around me is having babies. My favorite blogger ever, Heather Armstrong (dooce.com) just had her second baby. I'm delighted for her, but I'm sad.
Three of my closest work (former work) friends just had babies. They're adorable! I hate them. I love them. I want to STEAL them.

One of my best online friends is in labor as I type. With her second. I remember commiserating with her when her husband did not want kids, years ago. We were both in the same boat, but now I'm alone. It's a lonely little boat.

Intro

Last Monday we went to our Orientation to be adoptive parents. We sat for two hours and listened to the paperwork, the steps involved, the fact that we can't give them back. (Oh RLY?)

We talked on sibling groups, and how hard they can be to place (they had one with 10 kids - TEN!?). The presenter even told a story about a family who had no children and took in five. Somehow, that seems impossible - we're looking at taking a pair of two, and I'm frightened we won't be able to handle the two. We have such a quiet life - we're like nerdy monks - we might play video games and not talk for hours.

The orientation was not torture. It was not even difficult, except that I felt like I might slide off my chair at any point. Damn plastic things! Considering all the essays I've had to write lately for jobs, the paperwork was a piece of cake. We haven't done the hard part yet, but the first bit wasn't so bad.

However: how the heck do you tell if your water heater is on 120 degree or less if it doesn't have any freaking temperature markings? I'm going to scald my children to death in the bathtub because I don't know how to adjust the stupid water heater! Am I really supposed to get a thermometer I'd stick in my mouth and test the water from the tap? Seriously? That seems so...unscientific.

Sick.

I feel just sick. We may lose our chance at the kids. Because of this damned recession, they're cutting people where I work, and I am one of them.

I don't know how to tell any one. Several have suggested fostering the kids, but even with the money the state will provide, we would struggle terribly caring for them - caring for ourselves. I doubt, in this position, we'd even be approved to foster.

I'm in an industry where layoffs are fairly uncommon, and so this is not expected. I chose this industry partly because it was a place where I'd be able to get and keep a job, and here I am without one again.

I suppose it's better; it's very early in our process, and we've only met them once. That really doesn't make me feel better.

I just feel sick and sad.

Trial by fire.

Last Sunday, my husband and I met our prospective kids.

Here's what I honestly expected: we'd play, we'd have fun, I'd love them instantly, and we'd know for sure this is what we wanted - to adopt these two beautiful children.

Here's what really happened: The kids walked into the door. They were smaller than I thought they'd be. That's no problem, I thought - I really can raise these kids! Then they were set loose. My husband I ran in circles, got dizzy, fell down, painted the house black, everything else that happens when you're with a five year old and a three year old. I was actually sore the next day from turning cartwheels with the children. They were so DEMANDING. Literally, "get me some juice!"; "get me candy!" "paint this bedroom wall pink for me!"

The little girl was lovely, but it was clear she felt a little starved for attention. Her little brother steals the show with his loudness, his antics, and his massive tantrums. My husband and I got separated several times by the kids, so it became not so much "family" time as "play with one kid and then trade" time.

The boy...poor kid didn't get his nap. We had no idea he even missed his nap, but we found out the true results! His head exploded about four times over the course of the afternoon, and the brains made a terrible mess. Seriously, I felt like I was torturing this child when I put him in time out for being disobedient (once because he ran straight for the road when we were outside playing). He screamed. This child is part banshee; I'm sure of it.

They went home after four hours. Four short hours.

I've spent the following week wallowing in despair. I have doubts, and I feel guilty about them.
I have doubts that I can handle two kids all the time. I have doubts that I want to. I have never valued quiet in my house so much in my life. I begin to doubt wanting children at all.

Then I think about flying a kite with them, or taking them to the park, or how my girl laughed when I sang to her about Bob the Tomato (thanks, Veggie Tales!). I'm told I wouldn't be making a responsible decision if I had no doubts. I guess then, I'm being responsible. I don't like, it, though.

Who AM I?

Tomorrow will be the day that I meet my children-to-be. I think. I know I will be meeting them, but will they like us? I don't know. I feel as if I'm being set up with an arranged marriage.

They are, in fact, aged 5 and 3, and beautiful. I'd share pictures, but I don't know if that's allowed, or sensible. I'm still learning this whole adoption process.

Frankly, I'm a little scared. Not because I think the children will be demons, but because I come from a household where I know my mother regretted having children at all, and even though I yearn for children, my link to that type of mother is irrefutable.

Screw that. I'm not a little scared - I'm freaking TERRIFIED. The questions running through my head tonight are so numerous, it's like being a confused, snot nosed, pimpled teenage kid all over again.

What if I won't be a good mother?
What if I'm not strong enough for two?
What if I turn into someone evil because I'm stressed?
What if I grow a Spaceballs monster out of my stomach and eat my new kids?
What if I tramatize them more?
What if they never really love me?
How am I going to afford all the cool stuff I want to buy them?
How am I going to avoid spoiling them when there's an overwhelming amount of cool junk I can buy them?

Oh, yes. This is my hourly dialogue. Parents! Am I a crazy person, or is this normal?