Sunday, August 29, 2010


So, polyp #2 will be removed the day after tomorrow.

What's funny about this month (and I'm going to get specific, so if you can't handle it, RUN) is how odd it has been.

First, I spotted for a solid week. On day seven, I called the doctor and told him. "Oh, hai, I've been spotting for seven days, am I broken?" and the doctor was all, "Hrm. Well, no, but we probably should schedule your surgery STAT."

Then, the next morning (when the nurse called back to schedule the surgery) I was forced to inform her that, in fact, the real bleeding and cramping had started that morning. Yeah. I get to have a period all over again. Yay! She said, "no biggie, you're actually late in your cycle now, so we'll go ahead and do this on Monday".

Monday comes. I call again. "Are you suuuuure? I don't think the doctor wants to be all up in my bleeding hoo-ha, especially since he'll have trouble seeing around in my uterus with all the goo." And the doctor's office agreed. Of course, I have to tell them this while I'm in my office at work, which I share with several other people. There is no place for privacy on a school campus.

I called them again, four days later, when Aunt Flo decided to move on. We rescheduled for this coming week.

Since the last time hurt like...well, like they're sticking big metal spiky things in my vag, I'm not particularly looking forward to this. Except, of course, that once it's out we'll be able to try again (Round 3!!) for a baby. *sparkles and ribbons wands out, people*

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Wow, IKEA, you really are nosey as shit.

I was just filling out a form to get a friggin catalog. I love IKEA, so that thought made me a little happy.

Then, I get to the question - Do you have the pitter patter of little feet?

No, no I don't. But I say "yes" because I like kids' stuff, and I have lots of friends with kids. Then, "How many do you have?" I don't have any, unless my dog and cat count, thanks for the reminder.

This question is followed by, "Are you expecting?"

No. No, I'm not. Thanks for asking. For some perverse reason, I marked yes. "When are you due?" TEARS. I'm NOT due, you motherfucker, I just want to look at baby stuff!! ASSHOLE. Leave me alone! *sobs*

They really should know better than to mess with the hormonal. Which, from my experience, is just about everyone.

Thursday, August 5, 2010


Just a short time ago, I stated my belief that I was not infertile. The world decided to prove me wrong with this second polyp in just three months. Since this was to only be my third IUI round, I'm more than a little upset.

I didn't realize how upset I was until another friend announced that she had a positive pregnancy test. In spite of the fact that she has not had those results a second time, that hit me like a ton of bricks.

This week, I've been, in quick succession: depressed, sobbing, indifferent, highly anxious, crabby and then back again. My nose has that crusty feeling you get when you've had a nasty cold for a week. I didn't know that could happen in less than two days, but it can.

The dishes are piled in the sink, I haven't vacuumed in a week, and I desperately need to change my cat's litter box (I can still do that since I'm still not pregnant). Isn't it fun how everything is a reminder?

Everything is, you know. My friends talk of little else - although I can't blame them. The upstairs bedroom where we've been forced to sleep all week because our downstairs a/c unit is broken - again - is the room where our baby would/will sleep someday. The rocking chair I've already bought and I'm planning to paint is in there, along with the paint chips for "baby" colors.

Surgery to remove polyps isn't really that bad, as surgeries go. It's more the disappointment and frustration of feeling ... like I'm missing out? Like I'll never have children? Like I'm getting older everyday and I'm getting that much closer to missing my chance? Some of all of them, I suppose.

Monday, August 2, 2010


For the second time in three months, I have a polyp in my uterus. Am I broken? What the hell?

The presence of a polyp doesn't end my chances of having a baby by any means. I will have to wait until my next cycle begins, and then I'll go in, have another hysteroscopy, where water will be put into my uterus to make certain that it is, in fact, a polyp again. After that, the doctor will give me a relaxant and some lortab, and, while awake, will go digging up in my uterus. Apparently, to some, it's not painful. For me, at least the last time, with enough meds in me to normally make me pass out and snore and wheeze like dying cow, it was like being scraped on the insides with a massive knife. Sccraaaaaaaaaaaaaaape! In there! IN THERE! In the place that supposed to feel good! My husband has to go there next! You can't scrape it up!

So, as one might imagine, I'm not looking forward to this again. Not to mention it puts off my hopes of having a child another couple of months. That's not a big deal. Maybe if I weren't a massive drama queen, whose hopes were once again pinned on another insemination tomorrow to finally get pregnant, I wouldn't have sobbed until my entire couch and three boxes of tissues were thoroughly soaked, but no luck. I couldn't quite convince my dear darling husband that the world was ending. I'll make it through yet another set back. On the bright side, I'll have another month to save a few bucks for the next round or two. Right? There's always a bright side. Right?

*kicks rocks*