Monday, July 25, 2011

If ever anyone said it right.

This mother did. Her triplets were in NICU a fair bit longer than TK was, but what she writes on this post is like she's saying just what's in my heart:


"For all the nights I said goodnight through your plastic isolettes,

all the nights we spent apart,

all the nights I could only reach in and lay a gentle hand on your back,

all the nights you woke without your momma by your side,

all the nights I left without a kiss -

just one more kiss goodnight."

3 months old: Letter# 2

Dear TK,

You have decided to no longer sleep. You have declared it in your loudest voice, and, as we often say, "Busy baby is busy", because that's what you are. Far too busy to be sleeping. You won't keep a pacifier in, when you so clearly want it - searching frantically for it when it's already in your mouth is one of the funniest things I've ever seen you do. You shake your head back and forth as fast as possible when it's in your mouth, searching like a fish. If I hadn't seen Ms. A doing the same thing a couple months before, I'd swear something was wrong with you, my little sillyhead.

You still startle yourself awake all the time, so I have to swaddle you, and then TIE you up with a second blanket to keep your arms in. You're so strong! My little preemie boy, who looked like you were having a huge fight the day after you were born, and has never stopped.

I've been watching you wave your hands around, because in spite of both wrapping you and tying your arms, you have freed them again. You are hunting for your pacifier again by waving your head around frantically with your mouth open. You may end up eating your Boppy pillow yet! You aren't using your hands to search yet, because you haven't figured out how to work them just yet. They're purely for throwing upward in disgust or surprise right now. I'm actually a little surprised at your patience sometimes. You've been at it for several minutes, and you haven't made a peep about it. Busy Baby is busy eating the pillow for now.

These days, we mostly want you to go to sleep. Shouldn't I be grateful for every second? Shouldn't I love even your crying, because it's a sign you're alive? Sometimes I am. Sometimes even watching you cry is cute. We worked so hard for you; we nearly lost you. Still, last night's screaming makes it hard to think anything's cute. I went to bed since it was Daddy's turn, and you screamed for over three hours. Your Daddy shushed you so loud that I woke up hearing it, and still you cried. I had to get up in the middle of the night to help. It made me super proud that you got quiet for me, and that I was able to put you to sleep, but I doubt Daddy felt that way.

After feeding and changing you, rocking to you and reading to you for hours, do you know what finally worked? I laid you down on your other side. You didn't WANT to be on the left, you WANTED to lie on the RIGHT side. For Heaven's sake, Mommy! Can't you read my mind yet?! I hear you shouting at me. When I finally got it right, instant calm. I birthed a strange and stubborn child.

Just when I thought you couldn't be more beautiful, your smiles have gotten so big I see dimples. Holy hell, the little man has these gorgeous dimples! Now if you'd only smile for more than a half second so I could get a photo! How could I possibly have wanted a girl when I have this beautiful boy? I did - I admit it - I wanted a girl until the moment I heard you were a boy. Now I can't imagine anyone better than you.