Four months

Dear TK,

You are now four months (and four days) old.

You were born just before one of the hottest summers I have ever known; it has been over 100 degrees almost every day for months. This week feels like the beginning of fall because the temperatures have dropped to the 80's. Oddly enough, school starts today.

Yesterday we had a huge, if very short, summer rain storm. It was just like the ones I used to take your Aunt Kelsey out in to play when our parents were at work. We'd rush out, play in the rain and the water slushing down the street, and then rush inside and throw our wet clothes in the dryer. I can't wait until you're old enough to do it, too.

I really look forward to your growing up, but at the same time, it's sad. I love your tiny baby faces.

I know these expressions won't last forever.

On the 6th, you started making chatty baby sounds, and babbling noises. You still only do it mostly in the morning when you're in a really good mood, but it's so adorable. You're smiling at us, and finally showing us that you know us. You squeal and squee and make a sound that your Daddy says sounds like a monkey noise (hoo, hoo, hoo!).

You have just reached the stage where you can hold your head up, and the Bumbo has become pretty fun. You also finally enjoy your swing, much to our relief. Before now, you demanded with your tiny fists and screams to be held around the clock.

Nana just finished her first visit. It was wonderful spending time with my Mom. I honestly was scared to have her visit for almost two weeks - I get tired of pretty much anyone in that much time - but she was a wonderful guest. She was so loving with you, and I learned so much about who I am from spending more time with her. I have to admit I got a little spoiled, having a third person to help so we (your Daddy and I, at least) could get enough sleep.

Speaking of sleep, you slept through the night last night for maybe the second time. I flew out of bed this morning at 5am to make sure you were alive. Then you went and slept for another hour, until I was so hopped up on coffee that we bounced around the room together like bunnies.

And, for all that even now you seem to have more energy than I do already, I am amazed by you. Aside from the fact that you're still smaller than other four month olds, people would honestly never know you're a preemie. It's a miracle, and I couldn't be more grateful for it. No one but other preemie parents (and perhaps the NICU nurses) will ever understand what a real miracle it is. Above all, I will give you those extra kisses every day and night for as long as you will let me, because I am so, so grateful for every day we have together, my baby.

Love,
Mamma

Two months: letter #1

In honor of Heather Armstrong at dooce.com I'm writing letters to my son. I've adored her for years for her letters to her daughter, Leta. Now, I finally get to do it, too.

Dear TK,

It's been two months since you arrived, oh so small and early. You looked like a cross between a beet and a miniature old man. At first, all I wanted in life was to put you back in - I missed having you close to me so badly. You kicked every day for 9 weeks before you were born, starting on Super Bowl Sunday. I'd like to think the game inspired you. It was more than 12 hours between the time we were separated and the time I saw you again, and I felt like a body part had been ripped off. They say that the birth of your child is the best day of your life, but yours was not. I've never seen your Daddy cry like that - he could have lost us both. The first time I got to hold you, three days later - that was the best day of my life (so far). For the first time in days, I felt peaceful again.

It's true what they say, you know - every mother thinks her child is the most beautiful. I do, too, but I think you really must be the most beautiful baby on Earth. You have such perfect little lips, and gorgeous big eyes, and a perfect little button nose.

Leaving you in hospital was really hard. It had it's good points - we got to get used to how you ate, and how to change you, etc, before you came home, and we got to sleep while doing so. We got to meet you just a little earlier, which means we get to have you as a baby just a little longer than everyone else.

However. Leaving you every day was heartbreaking. It hurt me so much to let the nurses give you the care that I should have been giving you. I went home and cried the first time I saw a nurse change your diaper, because that was my job, and I couldn't do it. I felt like I wasn't Mommy, I was just some lady who visited you. After that, I took over. I made certain I was the one who gave you your first bottle, and no one changed you or bathed you but me when I could be there to do so.

You are sleeping in a bassinet next to me and your Daddy right now, on his first Father's Day. You are our Sleepy Bean. You give Daddy trouble feeding you at night. I think it's because you're tired and not as hungry. Sometimes to sputter on your bottles, and then cry, but you do not cry much at all. It's amazing - I always thought you'd be really high strung, like me, but you are like me in that you don't stay angry for long. You cried loudly all the way home from your first pediatrician's appointment, but it only took ten seconds to calm you. Then you curled up on my chest and made me the happiest Mommy.

The doctor is amazed at how few problems you have, and I'm so proud of you. You are stronger than anyone in the NICU thought you'd ever be, and you've proven that you're no "Wimpy White boy", although both the second adjective and noun do apply.

I get to be home with you for a month. I wish it were longer, but one takes what one can. I love curling up on the couch with you in my arms, and I wish I had an amazing camera to take pictures of your face.

Even the dog, Popcorn, loves you. (I know, he loves everyone, but he REALLY loves you.) Every time I let him get close enough, he has to give you a lick. It's fun to watch him jump up beside your bassinet to look at you. He always has to check if you cry.

Best of all, all of our best friends have babies just about your age. You are the smallest, but you were supposed to be the youngest, so that's alright. I can't wait to watch you run around and play with them. I hope you love them as much as we love their parents.

I know I've never been so happy. I've wanted you for so very long, but you were worth the wait. Although I'm going to be sad to see this beautiful baby go, I know watching you grow up will be amazing.

Love,
Mamma