Why.

The true reason why we have not had children, even though we are fast approaching 31 and 35: my husband has cleidocranial dysplasia. This is a dominant bone disorder that can cause severe difficulties in any person that has it. My husband himself has gone through nearly a dozen surgeries and the accompanying pain, near death experiences and physical therapy. He has a "mild" case.

While I did not live through any of his pain (he had all of his surgeries, with an exception of two that are yet to come before we met) neither of us wants to see our children go through what he has gone through.

We both want children. We both know that's the last missing piece of our happy little lives, and I feel the pain particularly.

Thank goodness, there are options. There are also drawbacks to each option. Having examined them all, I feel such resentment sometimes toward those who can just have sex for a while and *boop* there's a pregnant woman!

Right now, finally, we have agreed that we can explore these options together. We have the money, to support and care for a child without struggling, which is what we wanted most.

Now. Shall we have donors? Shall we do Preimplantation Genetic Diagnosis (PGD)? Should we adopt and risk a mother wanting to take the baby back?
We just don't know yet.

I think I have to be barking mad

to be an interesting blogger. Like, read dooce.com, or thebloggess. They're awesome. They're funny. They're fucking crazy. Especially the bloggess, but I just want to be her more. And I will always be me, the white bread vanilla chick who likes to go to dragoncon. Did I mention we're going to Dragoncon? Did I mention that i want to bring a baby dressed as Spock someday? Especially since Leonard Nimoy is going to be there? Oh, wouldn't it be fab. He totally would not be impressed, but that wouldn't make it any less fun, now, would it?

Saving Money

Make your own laundry detergent! This is the super cheapest thing on earth, and I'm actually pretty excited about it. My only fear is that my husband is going to look at me like I'm crazy.

Here's the blog post where it shows the guy saving over $50 on laundry detergent from The Simple Dollar.com:
http://www.thesimpledollar.com/2008/04/09/making-your-own-laundry-detergent-a-detailed-visual-guide/

Think I'll go eat worms

Remember that song? "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I think I'll go eat worms!" I was feeling this way to the point that I was digging in the backyard this morning, when suddenly the sky opened up, the angels sang, and I finally learned the rest of the Hallelujah chorus. I got a job! I got a job teaching! I got a job teaching college students! Isn't it funny how you think it's the end of the world when you get fired/laid off from a job, and something better usually comes along? I'm seriously ready to get out my magic want and turn into a giant bouncy ball, and act out that bouncy ball commercial myself!



Maybe now we'll be able to have babies! This certainly takes up less time than my old job did (albeit grading papers will take a lot MORE time, but I can do that at home!)

Reject

Dear Mab,

Thank you so much for investigating employment opportunities with S____________. I was most fortunate to have the pleasure of speaking with several highly qualified applicants, including you, which made the selection process very difficult.

We have identified a candidate that matches our qualifications and requirements perfectly and have decided to select that applicant.

Please accept my most sincere thanks and appreciation for your interest in and application for a teaching position. May I wish you every success in your search for employment.

Sincerely,

S

Yes, it's boring. Yes, I'm lucky I got any answer at all. No matter than I held my breath for two weeks over this, that it was the perfect position for me, that I waited, eschewing anything that could put me out of sorts with God for the whole day I was SURE they'd call, refusing to eat meat or any small children in hopes that it would be please Him enough to let me have this job. All in vain.

Dear. wild world. I want to know how I could know so many people, and not know one that would be willing to help me find a job, so we have the money to afford babies? (or to afford getting my husband to agree to let me have a baby?)

And, to add insult to very serious injury, sitting around the house all day with nothing to do is making me get fat. I love Weight Watchers, but all I want to do is watch the TV and the food. It calls to me. It sings to me. It even dances for me a little. I live for coffee, soda, and pizza. And a job. Hellooooo, job world? Any one want a teacher?

Pounds!

Have you ever been encouraged to just "go off the pill" without telling your husband? Yes! I will simultaneously lose my husband and get a child! It's a great plan! Oh, wait.

Let's just say I'm tempted. Sure, I'm tempted, but I really see this as the kind of stupid decision that creates more problems than it solves. Would it convince my husband that we want a baby? Most likely. Would it also prove that I'm a terrible and impatient person who shouldn't be a mother, no matter how badly she wants it? Again, most likely. Who am I to make this decision without my husband agreeing? Really, it's my body, but it's OUR life, and if he bought a car without my consent, I'd shoot him. I'd hate to think of how he'd respond if I did that.

Now, having said this, I'm going to be jinxed and get pregnant accidentally. I just know it. Nope, wishful thinking.

On the bright side, I've lost almost two pounds on Weight Watchers! Yay!

Lonely little boat

It's been months. I have staved off my yearning with everything - food, diet, a kitten ( a lovely adorable tiny ball of a kitten who likes to pounce on my feet, and my head, and even wake me up at 4 am for food!), cleaning, cooking, any thing I can manage. It's not working. I want a baby more than ever.

If one more person says, "if you wait til the moment is right to have a baby, you never will" I swear, you're going to be smacked. In the head. By my tiny hands, which will hurt if I have to put a giant rhinestone ring on. I swear it!

We have to wait. We are worried about our mortgage, we are worried about my lack of job. I'm worried about being one of those people dragging their kid through the unemployment line while he/she screams bloody murder, and probably does manage to kill a few old men waiting in line for four hours, by blowing up heads or coronaries, take your pick.

I dreamed last night that I was seven months pregnant. I almost cried when I woke up to find it wasn't real.

To add insult to serious injury, everyone around me is having babies. My favorite blogger ever, Heather Armstrong (dooce.com) just had her second baby. I'm delighted for her, but I'm sad.
Three of my closest work (former work) friends just had babies. They're adorable! I hate them. I love them. I want to STEAL them.

One of my best online friends is in labor as I type. With her second. I remember commiserating with her when her husband did not want kids, years ago. We were both in the same boat, but now I'm alone. It's a lonely little boat.