It's been announced, yes, that Michelle Duggar has had a miscarriage.
I'm so deeply conflicted about this. I'm absolutely sorry for them. Losing a child, especially that far along in pregnancy, is so painful. Regardless of how many children one has, a parent anticipates a child for so long, feels him or her moving inside of her, and to have it die... I can't, and won't imagine. It devastated me to go from being pregnant one minute to waking up a couple hours later and not being pregnant anymore. My baby was alive, and is a beautiful boy now. I don't know how I'd face life if I'd lost him.
I am grateful that she has other children that she has the opportunity to take solace in, but I imagine, too, that she has to provide comfort, as much as one can, to those children. If she gets pregnant again, it's never going to be with the innocence of anticipation that someone who has never lost a child, or had a preemie, has. I know the thought of being pregnant again fills me with as much fear as it does joy, for many reasons, but primarily the fear of loss. The fear that I will love that child so deeply, be literally connected to him (or her) and then lose that child prevents me from even considering another at the present.
So, yes, while on one hand I am not terribly surprised that this pregnancy did not go well, I feel true sorrow for her and her family. I know her body is probably tired, and I disagree with her that she could go on trying for children, or simply not preventing them, because I think God allowed us discover birth control so that we could better take care of our bodies, and take better care of the children we have. My father himself comes from a large family, and I know there were times where he and his siblings did not feel they, as individuals got enough attention. It's not that they weren't cared for, but they lacked something. I would never choose that for my own children. I think there's selfishness, even greed, in that.
Nevertheless, no one deserves the pain of losing a child. Just having my own son has made me much more sympathetic to that. I loved him before he was conceived - I yearned for a baby. I adore this child, and I have known women to face life without a baby that they felt moving and living inside of them. I cannot imagine the pain of that loss, not truly. I can try, and that in itself shakes me to my core. I honestly do not, cannot, imagine living after something like that, or wanting to. I'm not saying or advocating suicide if one loses a child - not at all - I just don't know how I could face it.
Friday, December 9, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
I love a good mom post
For those without children, sometimes it seems like my gushing in bullshit, and my complaints are too horrifying to imagine. This mom sums up my response to that very nicely:
http://akasupermommy.wordpress.com/2011/11/14/10-things-i-hate-about-motherhood-and-one-that-i-love/#comment-91
This section had the most impact on me:
"Fear. Loving a child means spending countless hours, days, weeks, years fearing for that child. You fear that they will be hurt, that they will become sick, that they will die, you fear that you will die and they will be orphaned, you fear that they will ask you about death and you won’t have an answer; you fear that they will be the one kid in their kindergarten class that isn’t invited to that one kid’s birthday party; you fear that they will never love books as much as you do; you fear that they will worry about their looks; you fear that their heart will someday be broken. You lay awake at night worrying about the fact that their heart willsomeday [sic] be broken. You lay awake at night, worrying. Which is why, on those rare nights when the children sleep right through? You’re still not sleeping."
My blessed mother in law (who really is one of the best mothers in law anyone could be blessed with) wants to keep my son for the weekend. This weekend is my birthday, and I feel like shouting "WOOOHOOOO!" on one hand, and on the other, a little sad that my baby won't be home for my birthday. It seems this works for almost every aspect of motherhood.
http://akasupermommy.wordpress.com/2011/11/14/10-things-i-hate-about-motherhood-and-one-that-i-love/#comment-91
This section had the most impact on me:
"Fear. Loving a child means spending countless hours, days, weeks, years fearing for that child. You fear that they will be hurt, that they will become sick, that they will die, you fear that you will die and they will be orphaned, you fear that they will ask you about death and you won’t have an answer; you fear that they will be the one kid in their kindergarten class that isn’t invited to that one kid’s birthday party; you fear that they will never love books as much as you do; you fear that they will worry about their looks; you fear that their heart will someday be broken. You lay awake at night worrying about the fact that their heart willsomeday [sic] be broken. You lay awake at night, worrying. Which is why, on those rare nights when the children sleep right through? You’re still not sleeping."
My blessed mother in law (who really is one of the best mothers in law anyone could be blessed with) wants to keep my son for the weekend. This weekend is my birthday, and I feel like shouting "WOOOHOOOO!" on one hand, and on the other, a little sad that my baby won't be home for my birthday. It seems this works for almost every aspect of motherhood.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Yay!!!
T is just shy of 7 months, and he's on the charts for his weight! I'm so excited!
According to the World Health Organization (and the chart below, which has random stats, not T's), he's at 10.9%!! He was at 5% just a month ago, so this is amazing. As of yesterday, he weighed 16.1 pounds. He's quintupled his birth weight.
By infantchart.com
According to the World Health Organization (and the chart below, which has random stats, not T's), he's at 10.9%!! He was at 5% just a month ago, so this is amazing. As of yesterday, he weighed 16.1 pounds. He's quintupled his birth weight.
By infantchart.com
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Preemie awareness month
This is what T looked like 11 days after his birth. That is a beanie baby next to him. I know of other babies, equally premature, who did not do as well, and died. Please be aware of the problems of premature birth, which is the most common cause of infant death. Go to marchofdimes.org for more information. Thanks for your support.
Monday, November 7, 2011
7 months
Dear Little T,
Since Daddy always calls you that, it seems suitable that I address you as such on the blog.
This month you are really trying to sit up. You've begun squealing, and screaming (happy screams!) which is so cute, and you make the most use of those screams when you are proud of yourself, like when you sit up for a second (usually with a little help from me or Daddy).
We put together your Johnny Jump Up this weekend, but you're not really into it yet.
It's getting so much colder, so we've finally dug out your sleep sacks. I'm so grateful that someone gave them to us - they're not cheap, and you've managed to dirty three of the four in the last couple of days.
While we started you on solids a month or so ago, we decided that you needed to wait a little more. I tried you again the other day and it was so different. You sat up (in the bumbo chair), opened your mouth, and leaned for it. You didn't seem to want it that much, but I have a feeling you just weren't that hungry.
Christmas is coming, and Mommy is trying to make some gifts this year instead of buying them all, to save money, and because it seems more thoughtful, for those that don't want specific items. However, I feel sometimes that I'm neglecting you while I'm working on those. There's so little time!
I remember last year thinking that this would be the year that I'd take my own baby to see Santa. I can't believe that's really coming up. You got your picture taken at "baby school" (daycare) last week, and you looked so unbelievably grown up.
You're already getting too big for your size 2 diapers, and moving into 3's. We haven't even finished the first box of 2's yet!
You got shots (they were supposed to be 6 month shots, but you got in a little late, and then you were sick when we took you, so you had to wait), and that was miserable. You were so cranky that weekend! I know you didn't feel well, and I felt bad for you. You pretty much slept, ate a little, and cried/whined. We watched Aladdin and Beauty and the Beast (your first time for both), but you didn't seem to enjoy them all that much. Maybe later. Maybe we'll try The Jungle Book; that was your aunt's favorite.
This month you have begun grabbing things and stuffing them in your mouth. I know that's a normal baby thing, but it's fascinating to watch you. I bought you a stuffed tiger at the zoo last month, and I gave it to you just to see what would happen. Not only did you attempt to stuff his entire head in your mouth, but you got so frustrated when it didn't fit! I thought only the dog could manage to slobber on a toy that much, but I was completely mistaken. Clearly, you are giving him a run for his money.
Your giggling is the highlight of my days. You start by smiling, and then saying "Ohhhhh", which turns into "EEEEEEEE". It's not a conventional laugh, but it's more than delightful. I can't help but laugh with you. I'll do anything to make you laugh more - get hit in the face with the bear mobile over your swing over, and over and over again, sing silly songs, stand on my head. It's worth it.
Halloween was beyond adorable. You were given two costumes, which actually turned out much better than the one we bought you, just in terms of comfort. We didn't go trick or treating, but I did take you to our annual party, where you promptly fell asleep. I think the highlight of your grandmother's night was getting to hold you before I took you home.
Since Daddy always calls you that, it seems suitable that I address you as such on the blog.
This month you are really trying to sit up. You've begun squealing, and screaming (happy screams!) which is so cute, and you make the most use of those screams when you are proud of yourself, like when you sit up for a second (usually with a little help from me or Daddy).
We put together your Johnny Jump Up this weekend, but you're not really into it yet.
It's getting so much colder, so we've finally dug out your sleep sacks. I'm so grateful that someone gave them to us - they're not cheap, and you've managed to dirty three of the four in the last couple of days.
While we started you on solids a month or so ago, we decided that you needed to wait a little more. I tried you again the other day and it was so different. You sat up (in the bumbo chair), opened your mouth, and leaned for it. You didn't seem to want it that much, but I have a feeling you just weren't that hungry.
Christmas is coming, and Mommy is trying to make some gifts this year instead of buying them all, to save money, and because it seems more thoughtful, for those that don't want specific items. However, I feel sometimes that I'm neglecting you while I'm working on those. There's so little time!
I remember last year thinking that this would be the year that I'd take my own baby to see Santa. I can't believe that's really coming up. You got your picture taken at "baby school" (daycare) last week, and you looked so unbelievably grown up.
You're already getting too big for your size 2 diapers, and moving into 3's. We haven't even finished the first box of 2's yet!
You got shots (they were supposed to be 6 month shots, but you got in a little late, and then you were sick when we took you, so you had to wait), and that was miserable. You were so cranky that weekend! I know you didn't feel well, and I felt bad for you. You pretty much slept, ate a little, and cried/whined. We watched Aladdin and Beauty and the Beast (your first time for both), but you didn't seem to enjoy them all that much. Maybe later. Maybe we'll try The Jungle Book; that was your aunt's favorite.
This month you have begun grabbing things and stuffing them in your mouth. I know that's a normal baby thing, but it's fascinating to watch you. I bought you a stuffed tiger at the zoo last month, and I gave it to you just to see what would happen. Not only did you attempt to stuff his entire head in your mouth, but you got so frustrated when it didn't fit! I thought only the dog could manage to slobber on a toy that much, but I was completely mistaken. Clearly, you are giving him a run for his money.
Your giggling is the highlight of my days. You start by smiling, and then saying "Ohhhhh", which turns into "EEEEEEEE". It's not a conventional laugh, but it's more than delightful. I can't help but laugh with you. I'll do anything to make you laugh more - get hit in the face with the bear mobile over your swing over, and over and over again, sing silly songs, stand on my head. It's worth it.
Halloween was beyond adorable. You were given two costumes, which actually turned out much better than the one we bought you, just in terms of comfort. We didn't go trick or treating, but I did take you to our annual party, where you promptly fell asleep. I think the highlight of your grandmother's night was getting to hold you before I took you home.
I can't imagine life without you, Little Man. You bring new joy to every single day.
Love,
Momma
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Month 6
Dear TK,
Today 13 days ago you are turned six months old. I wrote this post then, and needed to find pictures. I'm slack.
We went to the Pediatric Rehab today to have a NICU follow-up. I was very nervous; I suppose I was just afraid they were going to tell me that something was wrong with you. I know you're perfect. You've been the Strongest Baby Ever since day 1. My pride in you and your abilities truly knows no bounds, and I'm sure that would not have changed had the doctors said something was wrong, but nevertheless, I worried. That's what I do. The doctor and the therapists all said that you're right on track for your age. You're not the average six month old, but since you should have been born in June, you are absolutely doing great for the average 3 1/2 month old. You're at the 50% percentile for head size, and your weight is on the 5% for 6 months and 50% for 3 months. You're still a little short, but that's ok. You're a member of our family, so you fit right in.
Geekery and drool.
The cooing and talking and squealing continues, and every time you and I have a conversation, it's a joy. You are so much fun right now! You respond to people more than anything - you don't care much about toys, or music, but you really like people's faces. You light up and smile whenever anyone talks to you, and when we go out to the store, you're not happy unless you can see my face, so I put you in your stroller backward so you can see me. You sure know how to make your mommy feel loved!
Your current "words" are: Aroooo, Wooo, Gooo, and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Oh, and WAH, which is an old word for you. Daddy likes to say that Aroooo is your best friend. Maybe that's what we'll call the toy tiger I bought you on your first trip to the zoo on Saturday.
The last couple of weeks have been really difficult. An acquaintance lost her son two weeks ago to SIDS. He wasn't much younger than you are, and, worse, he spent less time in the NICU. It reminds me just how fragile you are, and it made me very, very afraid. Her words just tore me apart. I hope I'll never be able to truly imagine her pain, but what I can imagine is absolutely terrifying. I'd be sleeping with you in my bed if I weren't afraid that would risk your life more than keeping you in your own bed.
This month I've been trying to knit you a Sock Monkey costume, but I don't think my skills aren't quite at that level, so I bought you a banana costume instead for Halloween. I can't wait to see the pictures of you in it!
Everyone is always commenting on your beautiful big eyes, which are obviously turning hazel now, like mine. Every one of your expressions are so beautiful, but when you open your eyes wide and smile, no one can resist you. I meet babies your age, and I often think, "Gosh! They have such small eyes!"
Your daddy says he still doesn't like babies, but he obviously adores you. Watching you two play together is like a dream come true.
The bath is new fun for you now. You're learning to enjoy splashing, and when you get your feet really kicking, everyone gets wet. I don't think our home has ever had so much laughter in it.
You do cry, but usually only when you're tired or hungry. Yesterday you cried for 30 minutes on our drive home from visiting a friend, but as soon as I picked you up out of your car seat, you were smiling and happy again. It was dark, and I think you might have just been lonesome.
This month you are in size 2 diapers, which in the way of milestones is no big deal, but it's exciting for me. I had to return yet another box of size 1s. Target actually will not let me return anything else! I'm banned!
Our NICU bills are still pretty formidable. We've actually resorted to having money taken out of your father's check every month, and one of the bills has gone to collections. I hate admitting that, but it's true. Even with insurance, which actually covered enormous amounts of the bills (which totaled, just for you alone, $250,000), the remaining costs still fall to us, in addition to lots of testing and bills for me. I can't imagine how bitter I'd be if we were dealing with all these and we didn't have you with us. I can't imagine being someone who struggled and struggled and still lost their baby, or family member. I'm really looking forward to joining the March of Dimes this coming year in hopes of helping others. Someday there might be a cure for HELLP Syndrome, and Pre-eclampsia, so this won't happen to other families, I hope.
Love,
Momma
We went to the Pediatric Rehab today to have a NICU follow-up. I was very nervous; I suppose I was just afraid they were going to tell me that something was wrong with you. I know you're perfect. You've been the Strongest Baby Ever since day 1. My pride in you and your abilities truly knows no bounds, and I'm sure that would not have changed had the doctors said something was wrong, but nevertheless, I worried. That's what I do. The doctor and the therapists all said that you're right on track for your age. You're not the average six month old, but since you should have been born in June, you are absolutely doing great for the average 3 1/2 month old. You're at the 50% percentile for head size, and your weight is on the 5% for 6 months and 50% for 3 months. You're still a little short, but that's ok. You're a member of our family, so you fit right in.
Geekery and drool.
The cooing and talking and squealing continues, and every time you and I have a conversation, it's a joy. You are so much fun right now! You respond to people more than anything - you don't care much about toys, or music, but you really like people's faces. You light up and smile whenever anyone talks to you, and when we go out to the store, you're not happy unless you can see my face, so I put you in your stroller backward so you can see me. You sure know how to make your mommy feel loved!
Your current "words" are: Aroooo, Wooo, Gooo, and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! Oh, and WAH, which is an old word for you. Daddy likes to say that Aroooo is your best friend. Maybe that's what we'll call the toy tiger I bought you on your first trip to the zoo on Saturday.
The last couple of weeks have been really difficult. An acquaintance lost her son two weeks ago to SIDS. He wasn't much younger than you are, and, worse, he spent less time in the NICU. It reminds me just how fragile you are, and it made me very, very afraid. Her words just tore me apart. I hope I'll never be able to truly imagine her pain, but what I can imagine is absolutely terrifying. I'd be sleeping with you in my bed if I weren't afraid that would risk your life more than keeping you in your own bed.
This month I've been trying to knit you a Sock Monkey costume, but I don't think my skills aren't quite at that level, so I bought you a banana costume instead for Halloween. I can't wait to see the pictures of you in it!
Everyone is always commenting on your beautiful big eyes, which are obviously turning hazel now, like mine. Every one of your expressions are so beautiful, but when you open your eyes wide and smile, no one can resist you. I meet babies your age, and I often think, "Gosh! They have such small eyes!"
Your daddy says he still doesn't like babies, but he obviously adores you. Watching you two play together is like a dream come true.
The bath is new fun for you now. You're learning to enjoy splashing, and when you get your feet really kicking, everyone gets wet. I don't think our home has ever had so much laughter in it.
You do cry, but usually only when you're tired or hungry. Yesterday you cried for 30 minutes on our drive home from visiting a friend, but as soon as I picked you up out of your car seat, you were smiling and happy again. It was dark, and I think you might have just been lonesome.
This month you are in size 2 diapers, which in the way of milestones is no big deal, but it's exciting for me. I had to return yet another box of size 1s. Target actually will not let me return anything else! I'm banned!
Our NICU bills are still pretty formidable. We've actually resorted to having money taken out of your father's check every month, and one of the bills has gone to collections. I hate admitting that, but it's true. Even with insurance, which actually covered enormous amounts of the bills (which totaled, just for you alone, $250,000), the remaining costs still fall to us, in addition to lots of testing and bills for me. I can't imagine how bitter I'd be if we were dealing with all these and we didn't have you with us. I can't imagine being someone who struggled and struggled and still lost their baby, or family member. I'm really looking forward to joining the March of Dimes this coming year in hopes of helping others. Someday there might be a cure for HELLP Syndrome, and Pre-eclampsia, so this won't happen to other families, I hope.
Love,
Momma
Monday, September 12, 2011
5 months: letter #4
Dear TK,
Yesterday, on September 11, you turned 5 months old. It's the 10 year anniversary of the most terrifying moment in my personal history, aside from the day you were born. I was not there, but I can, more than ever, empathize with those that were, or those that lost family. I have been blessed to lose few close family members, and none of them young, but I came very close to losing you, and you are more precious to me than anything I can imagine.
It has, otherwise, been a pretty eventful month! You dazzled us with your snuffling and snorting from your first ever cold, which you caught while we were at the beach. Contrary, as usual.
You've met quite a few people that I was so eager to introduce you to: my very best friend, and her daughter, who is only a couple months older than you are, and unbelievably adorable, and your Daddy's two best friends and their children as well. We spent a week at the beach, which you were totally unimpressed by, but you have grown and developed in amazing ways in the last month. Suddenly, you smile in recognition for me and Daddy, and just yesterday evening, you grabbed a toy and shoved it in your mouth for the first time on purpose. I thought your Daddy was going to burst in pride, especially since it was the first toy he bought for you before you were born.
He even took that picture, which leads me to another amazing development: you and Daddy are suddenly best buds. He got positively teary eyed last night thinking about going back to work today and leaving you, when a few weeks ago we thought there was no way he was going to survive his stay at home with you. You went from screaming terror, unable to get out the gas that was apparently boiling in your stomach, to happy, cheery, squeeing baby. You are officially FUN.
My child, you have mastered the art of the head bob. I'm pretty sure that's something you got from me - a large head and a wee body, so it's hard to hold up. You are trying to sit up, however, and hopefully this won't turn you into a head banger. That's so 90's. Which, oddly, reminds me of a new dance craze, called the "Bern", which imitates the dead character in Weekend at Bernie's. Yeah, dance like you have rigor mortis. I can't wait to see what the future in dance holds for you. I hope you'll participate and not be afraid - nothing's funnier than recalling my own history with the Roger Rabbit, my neon socks, my scrunchies and my tiger printed half skirt over biker shorts.
Your NICU follow up is next month, and even though I know you're doing perfectly, it scares the crap out of me. Our friend T's son R is easily four pounds bigger than you are, and trying to stand when you can barely hold your head up. He's not sitting up yet, either, but he's close. He's a month younger than you are. Still, you two are pretty close in development, and you were meant to be a month younger than he is.
Squealing and yelling is new M.O. You shout, and you bob your head, and you yell about how you hate being cold. You detested the ocean, so the three swim shirts and shorts I got carried away and bought pretty much went unused. You slept once on the beach, and we walked a lot. That, I'm afraid, is as good as it got. I learned to knit while at the beach instead. I spent most of my time with you, knitting and reading. You loved your travel swing, mercifully. You refuse to go to sleep to the point where I changed to the lyrics of "I Never Go to Work" by They Might be Giants from "Oh, no, no, I never go to work" to "Oh no, no I never go to sleep". You make me crazy, and just when I think I couldn't love you any more, you grin and coo at me, and I cannot resist you.
Love, Mamma
Yesterday, on September 11, you turned 5 months old. It's the 10 year anniversary of the most terrifying moment in my personal history, aside from the day you were born. I was not there, but I can, more than ever, empathize with those that were, or those that lost family. I have been blessed to lose few close family members, and none of them young, but I came very close to losing you, and you are more precious to me than anything I can imagine.
It has, otherwise, been a pretty eventful month! You dazzled us with your snuffling and snorting from your first ever cold, which you caught while we were at the beach. Contrary, as usual.
You've met quite a few people that I was so eager to introduce you to: my very best friend, and her daughter, who is only a couple months older than you are, and unbelievably adorable, and your Daddy's two best friends and their children as well. We spent a week at the beach, which you were totally unimpressed by, but you have grown and developed in amazing ways in the last month. Suddenly, you smile in recognition for me and Daddy, and just yesterday evening, you grabbed a toy and shoved it in your mouth for the first time on purpose. I thought your Daddy was going to burst in pride, especially since it was the first toy he bought for you before you were born.
He even took that picture, which leads me to another amazing development: you and Daddy are suddenly best buds. He got positively teary eyed last night thinking about going back to work today and leaving you, when a few weeks ago we thought there was no way he was going to survive his stay at home with you. You went from screaming terror, unable to get out the gas that was apparently boiling in your stomach, to happy, cheery, squeeing baby. You are officially FUN.
My child, you have mastered the art of the head bob. I'm pretty sure that's something you got from me - a large head and a wee body, so it's hard to hold up. You are trying to sit up, however, and hopefully this won't turn you into a head banger. That's so 90's. Which, oddly, reminds me of a new dance craze, called the "Bern", which imitates the dead character in Weekend at Bernie's. Yeah, dance like you have rigor mortis. I can't wait to see what the future in dance holds for you. I hope you'll participate and not be afraid - nothing's funnier than recalling my own history with the Roger Rabbit, my neon socks, my scrunchies and my tiger printed half skirt over biker shorts.
Your NICU follow up is next month, and even though I know you're doing perfectly, it scares the crap out of me. Our friend T's son R is easily four pounds bigger than you are, and trying to stand when you can barely hold your head up. He's not sitting up yet, either, but he's close. He's a month younger than you are. Still, you two are pretty close in development, and you were meant to be a month younger than he is.
Squealing and yelling is new M.O. You shout, and you bob your head, and you yell about how you hate being cold. You detested the ocean, so the three swim shirts and shorts I got carried away and bought pretty much went unused. You slept once on the beach, and we walked a lot. That, I'm afraid, is as good as it got. I learned to knit while at the beach instead. I spent most of my time with you, knitting and reading. You loved your travel swing, mercifully. You refuse to go to sleep to the point where I changed to the lyrics of "I Never Go to Work" by They Might be Giants from "Oh, no, no, I never go to work" to "Oh no, no I never go to sleep". You make me crazy, and just when I think I couldn't love you any more, you grin and coo at me, and I cannot resist you.
Love, Mamma
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